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I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to re-enter a world I feel I just cured myself of in so many ways.

How do I merge what I've learned — in my body, in my spirit, over the last two years — with the reality that surrounds me?

How do I "make a living" when every path I currently see asks me to abandon coherence? To resurrect old adaptations simply so I can be perceived. To orient myself toward a society that feels fundamentally unwell.

To realign myself with illness.

When I now know, in my body, what health feels like.

What shocks me most is the response I receive when I share this predicament with people in my community.

They call it a noble path.

Altruistic.

I shake my head in disagreement, making that noise that actually expresses itself as an LOL. You know the one.

They hear that I want to change the world.

No.

I just want to exist in it without feeling like I'm living against the grain of what Life is asking of me. Without wondering if it would be easier to leave it altogether.

That may sound dramatic.

But it's also true.

Our life force is precious. All extensions of Consciousness, within Consciousness. In dark, in light. Carrying something that only we can contribute to the delicate balance of the rest of Life.

And yet we're so often encouraged to suppress that force, bypass it, dilute it — whatever it takes to survive.

God, how we have forgotten.

And maybe that's precisely why we remain so far from the world so many of us claim we want to create.

How can God shift us into harmony if we're not in relationship to what God is expressing through us? How can God know itself through us if we're not answering what calls us? If we spend our lives suppressing the very thing we're here to embody in any given moment, postponing it for another lifetime?

Maybe that sounds absolutist.

Or purist.

But doesn't life require to be met as it is? As I am. As you are.

Isn't that where real evolution begins?

Isn't that what regeneration actually is?

And how have we come to accept coping as though it's the destination?

Of course, some forms of adaptation are necessary. We bend. We adjust. We survive.

But there is a difference between adapting in order to remain alive and adapting until we've forgotten what we're alive for.

Especially when, for so many of us, it was the suppression of our authentic expression that made coping necessary in the first place.

So how can I devote my life to adapting to conditions that everything in me is telling me need to change?

Because if coping becomes permanent, change never arrives.

Coping is temporary.

It was never meant to become home.

As for me, I'm not interested in re-adapting.

Truthfully, at this point, it's become pretty evident that I don't think I could even if I tried.

It's incompatible with who I've become. With what my body now knows.

Maybe that's a mistake.

Maybe I've misunderstood the lesson entirely.

Maybe I've signed myself up for complete ruin and I'll just be writing another reflection in a year that will serve as a cautionary tale.

I don't know.

I do know that whatever I choose will include suffering.

And if suffering is unavoidable, I'd rather suffer moving toward Life than suffer moving away from it.

Not because it's the right thing to do.

But because, right now, this is the direction Life is moving me.

Eyes wide open.

Arms outstretched.

Waiting for the best hug — and the hardest sucker punch — of a lifetime.

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