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dear God, just let me disappear

vanish from the world
never to be seen again
 
let me weep over my mother’s unexpected
but wildly timed death
 
oh, death 
I rage at your callousness 
how could you leave me without a mother 
 
leave me
let me be
 
to grieve that little girl
never held in her tears
never simply met in her collapse
with loving arms
 
let me sob at the life constructed 
because of it
the overfunctioning
the hypervigilance
the high standard of self sufficiency 
I leaned on so thoroughly 
that in my deepest loss, there was no one
 
no one to hold me in my tears
to meet me in collapse 
with loving arms
 
God, just leave me
let me be
 
let me recluse into my pain
feel the frustration of me failing life
and life failing me
 
dear God, just let me disappear
vanish from the world
never to be seen again
 
for I cannot endure the ache of that little girl
losing her mother as she began to be mothered again
 
since way back when

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