MENU

There's an interesting thing that occurs after spending nearly two years devoting 90 minutes a day to somatic immersion — lying down, surrendering the weight of the body, releasing control of the breath, and meeting whatever arises without trying to fix, change, or transcend it.

You become intolerant of distortion.

And I honestly can't say that I'd recommend it.

It collapsed everything around me. My whole life (and the conditioning that created it) dis-integrated. 

I truly didn't expect how much would change in such a short period of time.

The cherry on top was I started this practice as Neptune (the dissolver) met Saturn (the disciplinarian), conjuncting in Pisces in my 6th house of daily practice. This placement at the time was also conjuncting my natal Mercury (the mind), squaring my natal moon (emotions) and opposing my natal Saturn. (A little astrology math for my Cosmic Compass students.)

But in layman's terms, it was the perfect time and the worst time.

A recipe for disaster just as much as a recipe for dessert.

I'm still waiting on the dessert.

Anyways, let's get to the reason why I'm here... the core message that my neurodivergent brain is attempting to rein in and translate.

The more I experienced what it felt like in my body to meet myself exactly where I was (God merging with God), the more noticeable it became when I wasn't being met by others.

Not because others were doing something wrong.

Not because they lacked care.

But because most people relate to our emotional states through the lens of their own.

So when someone needs me to shift my experience so they can remain comfortable, my body recognizes it immediately.

It feels like being bitch-slapped, if I'm honest, haha!

For a while, I thought the answer was simple. Maybe I just needed relationships where I could be met. Where people had the same capacity for emotional depth. Where others could honor what was arising in another without asking it to change, seeing the intelligence in it all.

Old habits die hard. I still catch myself immediately turning inward, implicating myself for participating in the same behavior. 

And there is truth in that... that this is another crafty way of asking reality to reflect one particular state of being — even if we believe that state is the most loving, conscious, or healthy.

But we are human and our needs are valid. Part of this journey is learning to co-create our reality, cultivating relationships and environments that support what is alive within us. So perhaps, meeting the human need is not wrong. Perhaps it's just nuanced. 

What is this experience asking of me?

To feel the sensations of rejection more deeply?

Then what?

Am I safe to be vulnerable in expressing my feelings with this person?

Is a change of behavior needed, on my part, their part, or both?

If the other acknowledges that they aren't capable of meeting a need, do they still communicate love in the process?

Can I receive that love and actually feel its presence?

What sensations arise in that space?

And in the future, how can I continue to remain connected to myself and what is arising in moments of contrast?

These are simply the questions that surfaced for me in this moment, in this relationship, through this experience. They may not be the questions that arise for you. Your own somatic pathways will give rise to different questions — and different responses.

That's why I'm intentionally leaving this post open-ended.

I don't believe there's one right way to move through any of this, nor do I think where I've landed is the destination. If anything, somatic practice has shown me that today's answer can become tomorrow's conditioning if I cling to it too tightly.

The answers matter far less to me than the questions — and even more than the questions, the sensations that arise in response to them.

Because what feels true today may not be what feels true tomorrow. I'd rather stay in relationship with what is alive than become attached to what once was.

Make sense? 😉

Leave a comment

Leave this field empty
This form is protected by reCAPTCHA to prevent spam and abuse. Information collected may be processed for security purposes.
Submit

0 Comments

Previous Post Next Post

Archive

Go
CLOSE