I’m struggling to find the beginning of this post.

There’s a familiar voice I used to write from — light, bubbly, heart-wide-open, with a side of fire — but she’s gone. Or maybe just resting. Or molting. Regardless, she’s not here right now, and I won’t pretend otherwise.

Even as I type this, eyes closed, I can feel the tug to explain where I’ve been. To make it make sense before I drop into what I actually want to say. And even just stating that — I start to cry.

My heart has been too heavy to lift for a long time now. A year and a half, give or take. And like many of you know, I tried to recover. I tried to bounce back. Like those inflatable punching clowns from the 80s — knock me down, and I pop right back up. That was my M.O. for years. Resilient as fuck.

But this time, I couldn't pop back up. And to this day, I have failed. Yeah, I said it... I have failed. I need to say it plainly, intentionally. Not because I’m stuck in shame, but because it’s true. And maybe even sacred. A failure not of character, but of capacity. A holy failure. And one, I’m convinced, that wasn’t of my own design — because if God had handed me a consent form, I would’ve said “hell no” to this.

So here I am. Still in pain. Still healing. Still here.

And no one, truly, knows the depth of it. Not because I haven’t shared, but because most people haven’t met this level of pain in themselves. They can’t recognize it. They try to help — with their love, their logic, their spiritual platitudes, their coaching tools, their attempts to fix — but none of it lands. It’s all noise.

Sweet, well-meaning, fruitless noise.

Here’s the hard truth I’ve come to... when you meet yourself fully — like fully fully — it becomes nearly impossible to be comforted by someone who hasn’t met themselves fully.

There’s no resentment in that. No blame. Just… a clean “nope” in my body. It registers as boredom, actually. And if you know anything about Aries Sun energy — boredom is intolerable.

So here I am again. Disillusioned. Burned out on the healing world. Done with the spiritual buzzwords. Tired of the blind spots masquerading as breakthroughs.

We, as a society — and especially in spiritual and wellness spaces — are clueless about how to truly care for one another. We’re so collectively suppressed that even our best intentions are still laced with subtle control and spiritual bypassing.

I used to think that growing my nervous system capacity meant I’d be able to hold more — more trauma, more inhumanity, more distortion.

But here’s the plot twist no one talks about... as your capacity increases, so does your coherence.

And a coherent system cannot tolerate distortion.