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"Aren't you frustrated that you have to work so hard to survive when healing is one of the most important — and difficult — forms of work in our time?"

"No, because I know the time is coming where I won't have to."

that's when it hit me

she could not meet me where I was
and I don't blame her

I’ve been there before too
not long ago

gripping a narrative that tethered me to a future that may never arrive
using spiritual language like scaffolding
calling it trust
devotion

while a perfect storm of contradictory reflections raged about me

I was unsupported
not even a little
a lot

and I couldn't reconcile it

after all the work I had done
after all the grief I'd already metabolized
after all the people I'd held through their own unraveling
after every time I had chosen to stay devoted

and then I remembered 

Life doesn't give a shit about our vision
it doesn't reward us for our sacrifice
it doesn't adhere to our frameworks
it doesn't measure our goodness

no

it does what it needs to do
as unfair
as devastating
as disorienting
as it is

people love to say we create our reality

I don't know
I know we participate
I know we influence
I know we make meaning

but there are seasons when Life arrives with a force that doesn't consult your healing, your vision, or your readiness

it just comes

and when it does,
all the practices that once made you feel safe
become places to hide

let's face it, Life will screw you and not give a fuck
it will rip the rug out from underneath you
end identities
disorient you
collapse everything you've built
eliminate all pillars of support
remove all warmth
cast layers upon layers of grief on your heart

it will lift any and all anchors
leaving you vulnerable to a sea of nothingness
lost in fitful patterns of attempting to regain
reorient
to your old ways that yes, are accessible in execution but not in providing any comfort

the void is a merciless place
and it will linger as long as it takes

churning
composting
tilling

until all is fertile and can hold the new

but do not be fooled

Life,
it will have its way with you

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